Just A Mom Trying

The past few months have definitely had their challenges. Every kid has faced an obstacle or two, but right now, my oldest is facing a giant in life. He’s at that age where he’s supposed to be tough. He doesn’t want to show weakness, even at home, and he’s fighting these battles silently. But I see right through it. I know those precious brown eyes. I’ve been looking into them for the past fourteen years, so I know when he is happy, sick, and hurting.

The Silent Battle

Right now, he is getting hit from every direction, and I won’t share the specifics out of respect for him. Just know that the pressure is piling up, and I can see he feels completely isolated under the weight of it all. As his mom, I have to let him open up on his own time. It’s a slow trickle of information, but I patiently wait for whatever he does want to share. I also let him know he doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to. But I make sure he knows I am here to listen, support, and love him.

The Unwavering Anchor

That is the hardest lesson: I know he has to fight his own battles—to succeed and fail in his own way—to grow into the man he will be. My very first instinct is to immediately defend—to fight every single injustice for him. I will fix the situation if the crisis warrants it, but my ultimate promise to him is not protection from the world, but preparation for it. I have to hold myself back, control myself, because this is his life, and he gets the voice to direct the path of his solution—within the necessary limits of his age. My promise is that my belief in him is the one thing that will never waver. I will be here to remind him that when he feels like he has nowhere to turn, I would lift mountains for him. I refuse to let him suffer alone. I will be here to remind him that when his life feels dark, I will walk with him and never leave him alone. I will light whatever lights I can to make it not as dark. As long as he wants my help, I will give it, and even when he doesn’t, it will be on the ready for when he does.

The Legacy of Love

I know what it feels like to be so down and ready for life to end. I know the cost of having to shove my own emotions away just to survive, only to deal with that suppressed hurt years later. That is a legacy I refuse to pass on. My choice to stand firm, to teach him that his feelings are safe and worthy of being shared, is the greatest fight I have ever won. It is my promise that he will never have to choose between fighting the world and sacrificing his own heart. Even when everyone else leaves or fails him, I will be here. I may make some mistakes or take the wrong steps in helping him, but I will try to do right by him all the time.