Just A Mom Trying

The back-to-school season season can be a whirlwind of new school supplies and clothes, nerves, and excitement. For weeks, I had been preparing. I went through old clothes, bought and labeled new clothes and school supplies, and dropped the supplies off at meet the teacher. I got the school schedules squared away. I even did a deep clean of the house because a clean space helps calm my mind and creates a good area for homework. I even cleaned the car.

But the work didn’t stop there. On the morning of the first day, I focused on all the final details. From preparing a nice breakfast to making sure their clothes were just right, I put in the effort to get them out the door looking and feeling their best. The goal was to make sure every single thing was perfect (or at least as perfect as perfect can be).

Despite all that, a nagging sense of worry still lingered. It’s not like this every year; I’ve been doing this for a decade now. But for some reason, the jitters were especially strong this time around. It turns out, first-day jitters aren’t just for kids.

For a lot of parents, the first day of school means a quiet house and a moment of peace. But that’s not the case for me. I enjoy my time with all my children, and it’s valuable, fleeting time. While my older kids are at school, my just-turned four-year-old, who is my wildest and most feralist child yet, keeps the house from being quiet. Even with the house far from silent, I still felt a pull to be productive. I ran a lot of errands and got a ton of chores done, all in an effort to feel prepared for the school year ahead.

Looking back, I think all that frantic activity was a result of the anxiety I was feeling inside. I was trying to do everything I could to make sure my world didn’t fall apart. It’s a way of protecting myself from the thought that kills me every time something major happens: What more could I have possibly done to prevent that? All the chores and errands were my way of putting up as many safeguards as possible against the jitters I couldn’t quite shake.

This drive to prepare was, I now realize, a subconscious coping mechanism for feelings I hadn’t yet identified. The pressure to be perfect for our kids often comes with our own silent struggles, a battle against the anxiety and depression so many parents face.

And then the moment arrived. I got the kids in the car, and we talked about how they had a good day. Later, as we were finally able to sit and relax together, I felt better. The realization that everything I had done was enough gave me a sense of peace, and we could just enjoy our evening together without worrying about doing afternoon chores.

The first day of school and leading up to it can be a whirlwind of emotions for a lot of us. How did you prepare for the first day, and how did you spend your day? Did your kids have a good day? I’m hoping this is a sign that we’re all going to have a good school year. Share your thoughts in the comments below!