Just A Mom Trying

There’s a subtle battle happening in playgroups, at school pickups, and even in our online feeds. It’s the silent, often unspoken, war of mom comparison. We’re already juggling a million things, battling sleepless nights and endless to-do lists. So why do we make it even harder by competing with each other?

This competition is everywhere you turn — race, gender, economics, politics — and it’s ugly head shows up in motherhood as well. Is “World Peace” too cliche of a wish?

There is a healthy type of comparison that leads to self-examination and growth; in fact, I think a healthy dose of that is good so we don’t stay stagnant in life. It’s how we learn to seek out wise counsel — and not just any counsel — which truly helps us evolve and thrive.

But there’s a stark, undeniable difference between that and the ugliness of competitive judgment or ‘mean girl’ behavior that permeates our mom circles.

Why We Compare: What’s Really Driving Mom Competition

So, why does this happen? Why do we find ourselves caught in this cycle? The answers lie deeper than we often realize.

The Illusion of Perfection: Social Media’s Filter & Societal Pressure

We all do it. We pick up our phones, open an app, and within seconds, we’re scrolling through a curated world of seemingly perfect motherhood. Pristine nurseries, effortlessly chic moms, gourmet organic meals, and kids who always seem to be smiling. We see the perfectly planned out birthday parties for young kids, looking like they cost a small fortune with their elaborate setups. While these dazzling displays might be a genuine reality for some, for the vast majority of us, they quickly morph into an unspoken standard — an aspirational, yet often unattainable, benchmark that leaves us feeling perpetually behind. It’s a highlight reel, perfectly filtered and strategically cropped, and it’s almost never the full story.

Beyond the perfectly curated squares and dazzling birthday parties, there’s another unspoken rule: as moms, we’re expected to navigate every challenge with an unwavering smile. We’re supposed to be effortlessly joyful, perpetually patient, and never, ever show a hint of frustration or exhaustion. Because if we do — if we dare to admit it’s hard, or have a “grumpy” or “negative” moment — we often face immediate backlash. Suddenly, we’re labeled as ungrateful, or told we’re “not cut out for it,” rather than simply being understood as human beings with real emotions.

The Loss of a Communal Village & Traditional Support Systems

Adding to this crushing weight is the irony of the “village” itself — the very support system we’re constantly told we need. Instead of find open arms and understanding, many of us encounter crititcal eyes. Older generations, often steeped in vastly different eras, sometimes implicitly or explicitly suggest we’re not doing enough, or that our struggles are a sign of weakness. Their unspoken message often implies, “We’re managed, so why can’t you handle it all, and more?” This judgment from within our own potential support network only amplifies the feeling of inadequacy. So, where is the village we were promised, when they’re so quick to hand out criticism but slow to step in and be that vital support?

So, why has this vital communal village, once a cornerstone of parenting, largely disappeared? Part of the answer lies with the very generation who are now grandparents. Many of us, in fact, were raised by our own grandparents. This generational pattern has inadvertently broken the traditional chain of active, readily available family support. When it’s their turn to be the “village” for us, many are simply not stepping up to the plate, leaving us feeling profoundly isolated and without the intergenerational wisdom and practical help that used to be a given.

This isn’t to say today’s parents expect grandparents to raise their children for them, or even take them on full-time like some may have done in the past. Instead, we’re often just seeking a tiny bit of help — the occasional practical support, a listening ear, or the wisdom that defines a true village — yet even this is often perceived as an extreme demand.

Lack of Identity Outside of Motherhood

Becoming a mom is transformative in the most profound ways. But somewhere in the beautiful chaos of sleepless nights, endless feedings, and constant demands, it’s easy to look up and realize the person we once were has subtly faded away. Our pre-mom passions, interests, and even our professional identities can become secondary, sometimes even disappearing entirely.

When our entire world becomes centered solely around our children, we lose touch with the very core of who we are.

This void can make it easier for others to seem like they possess more authority in motherhood — as if they’ve conquered it, establishing a seemingly perfect standard that leaves us feeling less certain n our own choices, and highly susceptible to external influence and the comparison trap.

The Fallout: How Mom Competition Hurts Us

Mom competition isn’t just an annoying trend; it’s a deeply demanding force that leaves a trail of casualties. At its core, the constant comparison erodes our emotional well-being, fueling gnawing self-doubt, anxiety, and a profound sense of loneliness. We become isolated, not only from other moms we perceive as rivals but also from the very people who should be our closest allies. Friendships fray under the weight of unspoken judgments, and the relentless pressure spills over into our spousal relationships, creating tension and distance where support is desperately needed. This emotional and relational strain inevitably leads to practical exhaustion and burnout, as we ceaselessly strive for an unattainable ideal. It’s a vicious cycle where the fight to “measure up” leaves us utterly depleted, sacrificing genuine connection for an empty victory.

Breaking the Cycle: Shifting from Shaming to Support

Breaking free from the comparison trap requires intentional shifts in mindset and action. It’s about building a new foundation for connection, starting with yourself.

Reclaim Your Self-Worth: Look Inward, Not Outward

The first most critical step in breaking free is to stop being your own worst enemy. So much of the comparison trap lives within our own minds, fueled by critical self-talk and a constant measuring stick we hold up to others. It’s time to take back control of your thoughts. Recognize those internal voices that whisper “not good enough” or “she’s doing it better.” These aren’t truths; they’re echoes of the very competition you’re trying to escape. Instead of letting them dictate your feelings, challenge them. We have to stop handing over all our authority to someone else, believing they hold the secret to “right” motherhood more than we do. Embrace your own instincts and trust the inner wisdom that resides within you.

Cultivate Your True Village: Seeking Authenticity Over Perfection

To cultivate a true village, you must first be willing to prune your existing one. Let go of relationships that drain your energy, amplify your insecurities, or constantly pull you into the comparison game. These toxic ties don’t just hold you back; they actively sabotage the crucial internal work of reclaiming your self-worth. It’s impossible to fully fix what’s going on internally when your external connections are constantly reinforcing negativity. Releasing them isn’t abandonment; it’s creating crucial space for authentic, supportive connections to finally take root. This space allows you to actively seek out relationships where vulnerability is celebrated, not judged, fostering a true village built on shared imperfections, not polished facades.

Redefine Success: Your Motherhood, Your Rules

The final, crucial step in breaking the comparison cycle is to stop playing by someone else’s rules. This means taking intentional time to sit with your own journey. Look inward and reflect on what truly works and doesn’t for you. What moments have made you genuinely happy and empowered, and what has drained you? This isn’t about comparing yourself to other moms, but rather doing a little self-comparison to understand your unique path. Let go of all outside noise and decide what you want your life and motherhood to truly embody. Is success for you about patience, making meaningful memories, or perhaps a different priority entirely? There’s no right or wrong answer — there’s only “you and not you.” Embrace what aligns with your values, and write your own definition of a fulfilling motherhood.

Mom comparison is an exhausting cycle, driven by impossible ideals, a missing village, and a lost sense of self. This battle deeply damages our emotional well-being and relationships. But here’s the powerful truth: you hold the authority to break free. Reclaim your self-worth, build authentic connections, and define success on your own terms. Choose connection over competition, grace over judgment. It’s time to build a true mom village, one authentic, courageous mom at a time, supporting each other through the messy, magnificent journey of parenthood.

So, what does authentic motherhood success look like to you? Take a moment to truly define it. What do you need to let go of, and what will you choose to embrace, to truly empower yourself and find peace in your unique path?